August 8th, 2020

Approaching a new life with grief.

Some days you wake up and are ready to take on the day, ready to smile and continue the fight onward; other days the act of opening your eyes is an impossible feat. Helpless against the anchors of grief holding them down. Tucked away tears must escape at some point. Some days you open your laptop and sign your child into their daily zoom meeting and then hop on your treadmill and run, unstoppable tears flowing down your face. You run; run, run, run, run, run. Run away from your fears, run from your sadness, run from your anger, run away from your new reality. Yet your reality remains. It takes hold, wrapping its tendrils around every thought, every memory, every breath. There reminding you that you almost had it all, you had the perfect marriage, a beautiful relationship, an amazing family. Yes, you almost had it all. It was temporarily in your grasp, teasing you. Allowing your soul to realize that this reality does in fact exist but not for you, not now. You were lucky enough to get a taste of it but now that taste has dissolved into the mouth of unjust grief. The tiny grains in the hourglass keep dropping yet you stay stagnant. Time seemingly cemented you in place, despite how vibrant you remain in memories. Like a shadow that grows more vivid in the sunlight, grief follows you, casting its lonely, isolating shadow on everything. The simple act of smiling feels like the ultimate betrayal to your previous life. Today is 6 months since you slipped through our fingers; friend, son, brother, uncle, husband, father and so much more. Your absence is physically palpable in all things big and small. You missed Father’s Day. And your boys...your boys. Each of them a year older now. How resilient and strong are those three beautiful souls you helped create? Each one slowly growing into the strong men they are going to become, and they will become that way because of you. You. They will soar on the stable, feather-laden wings you still provide. Their sprouting seeds slowly taking root in grief-muddied soil. They will be your legacy; they will carry that torch you so bravely fought to keep lit.

The survivor’s road is a tortuous one and one that some people have no choice but to take.

But survive she will.